I just came across a song that was very meaninful to me in a different world and I want to share the song and the story. i haven’t heard it for a couple of years and many memories came crashing through when I heard it today. The song became meaningful to me about three years before the story I share below, and all during the time that I talk about. The video posted below has its own meaning that I feel is very important and I
About a year and a half ago, in the faraway land of Kelowna, British Columbia, my life fell apart. I was only there because I thought it would be good for my wife to be close to her family who lived in that city too. When my wife informed me two years ago that she was looking for a job in another region and planned to leave me, I nearly lost it. At the time I was behind on my rent because I was not getting any help from her. I was struggling to make a long-doomed marriage work, struggling to make my business work…. 3000 miles away from family and friends and anything that looked like love or companionship. I had no idea she gave up until that moment she told me.
Six months later she drove off in the only car we had. My landlord informed me I had to leave the three bedroom house I was living in, and move into a tiny room in the basement if I wanted to stay there. He also told me I had to get rid of my beautiful dog Sheba who I had owned for seven years. I had no other choice – I did not have the resources to move again, just enough to get another car and hopefully salvage my business any my life.
In order to meet his demands I had to down-size my life. A houseful of stuff was just thrown away into a dumpster a couple of days after my wife left. That same afternoon I took my dog to the shelter and said goodbye. It was the worst day of my life.
I was severely depressed and circling the drain. I believe that I would have harmed myself, if not for my friends Donna Reiher Spinillo and Carol Eck-Driscoll who saw that I was in distress, and helped me retain my sanity. Thank you both. Carol is still my friend, Donna of course has come to mean much more to me today than she did then. She has helped me in so many ways, and I am grateful to her. Donna convinced me to come home and start over rather than stay there and try to pick up the pieces – something I had dreamed of for years but couldn’t achieve while still trying to make the marriage work. But with everything gone, it was time to move on.
Now I am home, close to family and friends, and last week celebrated my 50th birthday. I have been back in NY for longer than any time since my father died in 1984. But it is still a struggle for me. I still struggle with depression. ADHD makes things harder for me that are easy for others. Very little of my life is the way I thought it would be when I turned 50. But God has given me a great family, the best friends, and the most beautiful woman in the world at my side. I believe with their support and a good deal of hard work on my part, I can be the success I know I was meant to be.
I left home at 22 the same week my father died. I spent the rest of my life until now looking for something that was right here all the time. I’ve travelled the world from NY to New England to Chicago to California to the Philippines to Fiji, and never found what it was that was missing. All I have to show for it is a bunch of really cool stories but nothing else. No home, no twenty years on the job, no children to take care of me when I am old.
Thirty years I wasted – WASTED !!! – travelling and seeking love from strangers and success in strange lands, never finding it. I missed watching my sisters’ kids being born and growing up. It took me to age 50 to realize that everything I needed was right here under my nose from the beginning of my life. In fact, I’m typing this in the living room I grew up in, in the home I knew from the time I was six years old.
So here am I, back home, (thanks to Steve Vera for giving me a place to stay for a few months at first) struggling to make my business work, trying to find a place to call my home on a permanent basis. But with the right people in place, with Donna at my side and God as my helper, I know I will make it work. My heart is finally full, even if my bank account needs a bit of growth.
I can’t keep doing things the way I used to. I need to move. I need to wake up. I need to change. I need to shake up. I need to speak out. Something’s got to break up. I’ve been asleep and I need to wake up now….